1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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