dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
