I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
