did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
