I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
