my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She needs sedatives and a leash
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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