I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
