Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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