so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
