We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
