do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
