i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
