I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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