Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
