just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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