I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
