just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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