I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
