I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
