I just cut my nipple shaving
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
