You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I think my moral compass just broke
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
