Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
