my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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