Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
my poor anus
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
