I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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