He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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