Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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