I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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