are you so shy because you have an std?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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