but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
