u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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