It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
