Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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