I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i wish my penis had a tongue
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
