Plan B is the new Plan A
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
