Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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