Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
