I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
