I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize