i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
