Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
