At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
