Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
