i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She's the barista slut.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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