What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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