my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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