If i could tip my vagina, i would.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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