Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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