I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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