walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
