At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I think I sprained my soul last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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