I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
