i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
