totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
