i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
