I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
