mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Sorry my hands just texted you
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
