I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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