My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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