So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
