just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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