nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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