is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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