i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
