If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
