That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
