nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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